Se mi fermo a pensare è finita. Come tutte le volte che ho cominciato e abortito questo post nella mia mente.
Ma se non ci penso, magari, esce facile. Se non penso a chi mi ha detto che uso la punteggiatura in maniera inusuale e artistica, magari, vado avanti e vi racconto dei miei mesi di sparizione, di allontanamento da me stessa, di immersione nella realtà.
Perché diciamocelo, la realtà fa schifo senza fantasia e immaginazione.
Perciò se non mi fermo a pensare continuo a scrivere e buttare via il veleno che ho assorbito in questi mesi, il veleno iniettato dalle persone che mi hanno fatta sentire inadeguata, fuori posto e diciamocelo, invalida. Perché sì, è vero sono una categoria protetta (di questo vorrei parlarvene in maniera più approfondita), ma non è mai stato un peso per me, per lo meno non un peso eccessivo che è invece diventato un tarlo che mi ha consumata.
Ma ne sono successe di cose in questo anno e qualche mese.
Ho lavorato dieci mesi in un negozio di ottica (ah ah ah che ironia).
In quel periodo la mia depressione è peggiorata portandomi a conoscere altri lati del mio carattere, altre sofferenze di cui non ero a conoscenza. Il mio animo ha tirato fuori insicurezze nuove ma non solo. Ho sperimentato nuovi livelli di annullamento e apatia. Non ho più letto o quasi, ho scattato pochissime fotografie, non ho scritto.
Ho imparato e riscoperto quanto possa fare male la gente.
Mi hanno salvato gli amici, le persone che chiamo Casa, la famiglia (vera e acquisita) e il cinema. Ho annaspato tra i giorni aggrappandomi alle cene con una nuova amica, ai giorni rubati a Varese o a casa.
Ho trovato però una luce dentro, un ottimismo e una forza da super eroe che non sapevo di avere.
E in uno di questi momenti tra luce e oscurità ho scoperto il Project Semicolon, un’associazione che si occupa della prevenzione al suicidio e di tutti problemi mentali. Il punto e virgola è il loro simbolo e io mi sono permessa di utilizzare il loro motto come titolo del post perché lo trovo calzante, genuinamente ottimistico e soprattutto non paternalistico.
La mia storia non è ancora finita, ci metto un bel punto e virgola, un respiro e si riparte.
Non sempre ho l’energia che vorrei, non sempre l’entusiasmo è a mille. Non ho progetti per il futuro ma solo piccole conquiste che presto voglio raccontarvi, dal riappropriarmi del mio look, all’ascoltare più musica, a nuove attività che mi diano ossigeno.
E per tutto il resto, sono certa che il tempo mi parlerà, come sempre ha fatto e mi guiderà nella giusta direzione.
L’associazione Semicolon è americana ma il suo intento è quello di sensibilizzare tutti ai disturbi mentali, depressione, anoressia, automutilazione. Lo scopo è quello di aiutare tutti quelli che ne soffrono, il compagno di banco, il vicino di casa, il tipo o la tipa con cui chatti la sera, tutti. Parliamone e non vergogniamoci, io l’ho fatto per tanto tempo.
Kiss Kiss (bang bang)
*** il centro del post era tutt’altro ma hei, perché non parlare di cose importanti? ***
Captain Daze(d)!
Ben tornata, supereroa 🙂
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